Letting Everyone Inside of You

Facebook was already the "All about you" website.

I'm engaged!
It's my birthday!
I just booked my hotel in Branson!!!
My tummy hurts!
Be friends with my dog!
Look at my new credenza!!!!!

It was already about you showing everyone else the SUPER-AWESOME things you do (pictures of beer cans), complaining about the things in life that just aren't fair (the weather), and describing how unique you are (I like having fun and hanging with my friends).

And all that was great. Then there was the game-changer (actually when dogs requested my friendship that was the game-changer, but I digress).

One word: FETUS.

Not only is your page all about you, now it's about (depending on your views) people/things growing inside of you. Shouldn't there be some expectation of privacy for the unborn child? Even before first breath, he/she has already made a public appearance for your 1,492 friends and 8 dogbook friends.

I've seen three different profile pictures of fetuses in the last week and half (and I don't even have that many friends).

Honestly, stop playing favorites. If you're going to put up the pictures of the fetus, at least post the video of how you guys made the damn thing.

Another One!!!

In case you haven't heard, this is Lauren Ashley, another one of the beauty queens of California that has shot her mouth off with righteous Biblical passages.

She actually has outdone Carrie Prejean's homophobic tirade in the media with her own quote.

It went something like -- the Bible is black and white about homosexuality, Leviticus said this, and gays will be killed by God.

She goes on to say that she has gay friends and that we're all kind of cool with all of it.

So does she worry that her gay friends are going to be slain by the wrath of God?

Now, I will be the first to tell you that I wasn't a Sunday School Scholar like what's her face from the picture. (I went just to get away from my parents and I'm sure the feeling was mutual.) But isn't there something in the Bible about killing your first born son and those who have premarital relations shall be stoned. Something along those lines.

Why do the Bible Thumping Pageant Queens only know the passages that don't really apply to them?

Take Ms. Prejean for example. She seems like a smart young lady. (cough, cough, vomit) Somewhere in the good book it says something about not desecrating one's body, and well, when they wrote the thing, they didn't envision how silicone would be used in the twenty-first century, but Carrie, that applies to you. And now that it's reported you're living with your hottie-hot, can't play football, quarterback of a boyfriend and he hasn't yet put a ring on it, um, what is God's punishment for you. Or better yet, what does the Bible say about sex tapes where you double click your mouse the entire time? (that was actually a quote from Showgirls. High Five!)

So to all the other thumpers out there that want to act above everyone else, try not to be the textbook definition of hypocrisy at the exact same time. Wait a little bit. Until you're super-duper famous, Jesus hasn't returned, the rapture hasn't happened, and then give it all up to get new silicone funbags, an awesome tramp stamp in unknown Chinese lettering, and then twiddle your diddle for all your fans on your new iphone with video.

But what's going to happen if Elton John is right and Jesus is gay?
How will he go back in time and kill himself for being gay?
Or will he change what he said and rewrite it and cut the parts Leviticus wrote?

I have no idea, but I'd guess it would happen sometime around Easter.

The Worldwide Leader in Stupidity

I don’t want to give too much credit where it isn’t due, but at one point, ESPN was not a complete laughing stock. Now it’s a strange breed of testosterone and stupidity.

Notable Dismissals:

Harold Reynolds for sexual harassment.

Steve Phillips for having an affair with a co-worker and later entered the same rehab clinic as Tiger Woods.

Sean Salisbury never had enough time to come up with anything insightful to say about football, but did have enough time to take a picture of ding-dong with his phone and show it off at the water cooler.

They hire ‘em smart and classy.

Tony Kornheiser was recently suspended for inappropriately commenting on a co-worker’s outfit. Her outfit! You don’t cover the Oscars and you’re not on E!

This morning they did a terrific story on National Pancake Day asking a player from the Vikings about his favorite kind of pancake. Somehow, I ended up changing the channel.

(DIY network was showing you how to hammer a nail right through your thumb)

They should change their slogan to:

ESPN

We can’t cover sports.

We can’t cover our own tracks.

And we can’t cover our dongs.

How much of my own vomit do I have to swallow before you tell me the results of your poll on which country’s Olympic outfits are the cutest?

I wish I could just get the answer from Kornheiser.

What Do You Think He's Gonna Say?

Tiger Woods is coming out of his nearly three month long sexual hibernation debacle to pull his tail out from betwixt his legs and break his silence.

Here are some thoughts on what he might say.

• Honestly, I just thought I was social networking.
• I guess I should have known something was wrong when all those women were offering to give me stokes.
  
• Being endorsed by Nike... I just did it - a lot!
• Due to the loss of some of my sponsorships, I won't be playing the same ball this year. The new balls I'll be playing with will be blue.
  
• At least ask my wife a question. I'm paying her an awful lot to be here.