The Worldwide Leader in Stupidity

I don’t want to give too much credit where it isn’t due, but at one point, ESPN was not a complete laughing stock. Now it’s a strange breed of testosterone and stupidity.

Notable Dismissals:

Harold Reynolds for sexual harassment.

Steve Phillips for having an affair with a co-worker and later entered the same rehab clinic as Tiger Woods.

Sean Salisbury never had enough time to come up with anything insightful to say about football, but did have enough time to take a picture of ding-dong with his phone and show it off at the water cooler.

They hire ‘em smart and classy.

Tony Kornheiser was recently suspended for inappropriately commenting on a co-worker’s outfit. Her outfit! You don’t cover the Oscars and you’re not on E!

This morning they did a terrific story on National Pancake Day asking a player from the Vikings about his favorite kind of pancake. Somehow, I ended up changing the channel.

(DIY network was showing you how to hammer a nail right through your thumb)

They should change their slogan to:

ESPN

We can’t cover sports.

We can’t cover our own tracks.

And we can’t cover our dongs.

How much of my own vomit do I have to swallow before you tell me the results of your poll on which country’s Olympic outfits are the cutest?

I wish I could just get the answer from Kornheiser.

What Do You Think He's Gonna Say?

Tiger Woods is coming out of his nearly three month long sexual hibernation debacle to pull his tail out from betwixt his legs and break his silence.

Here are some thoughts on what he might say.

• Honestly, I just thought I was social networking.
• I guess I should have known something was wrong when all those women were offering to give me stokes.
  
• Being endorsed by Nike... I just did it - a lot!
• Due to the loss of some of my sponsorships, I won't be playing the same ball this year. The new balls I'll be playing with will be blue.
  
• At least ask my wife a question. I'm paying her an awful lot to be here.
  

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.

By now everyone and their brother knows more than they probably intended to on the never-ending Tiger Woods saga. You simply can't escape it.

The latest push has been that we need to forgive him and give him his privacy. This makes my head hurt. First off, I haven't heard anyone demand that Elin and the kids forgive him. They have the right to be mad at him... and so do his fans. For years, he's trotted around the world collecting green jackets, trophies, and massive paychecks. He did all of this while pretending to be holier than holy so that we would feel more comfortable with him and buy the products he endorsed. He made money off of an image that was false. He looked like the family man and America and the rest of the world ate it up.

Now, I know you're going to say what he's going through is a private matter, and it is, but there are a different set of rules when you are a public figure. No one is creeping in his house late at night and stealing items and selling them on ebay. Everything is free information that is damning him. The one thing he, and his agent and marketing team will never understand, is the monster they have created. They made him a billion dollar icon. They put his face everywhere. They got us addicted to him. And now they are saying... well just keep being addicted to the products and the good things about him. Sorry. It doesn't work like that. We are America and the one thing we are addicted to is conflict. It is the center of entertainment. We don't watch TV shows where everyone likes each other. We like fighting and resolution and chaos and competition. That's why sports teams play each other. That's why they don't just hand Tiger the trophy every week. He has to go out and face competition and conflict and come away above the rest. He has to take the good with the bad.

One of the large problems with this country and a money driven society is that just like the banks, we have made him, "Too Big To Fail" and right now he's failing. He and his marketing team went above and beyond to make America place Tiger Woods on a pedestal and they succeeded. They have to live with this mess they've created. Yes companies are going to drop him. And they should. He's a liability to their profit. They can't whine and moan and say "but he's Tiger Woods." Now, he's just like everyone else. Tiger has always dominated the competition when he was playing with a lead. He doesn't fair as well when playing from behind. They have to face that.

When Tiger released his statement from the car accident, he said that Elin was heroic and the media was "irresponsible." He lied about Elin and as usual deflected the blame.

I'm not saying we can't forgive Tiger. I'm not saying he's an awful person. We need to look at this situation as a whole. Tiger created an image to sell products. That image turned out to be contradictory. The media's job is to inform the public. Tiger sold products. Media sells news. Tiger made news. Calls media irresponsible.

We aren't going to forgive, unless Tiger can forgive Tiger. He has to come to grips with what he's done and address it to those he asks for forgiveness.

The one question that still irks me is that... we can forgive and we can turn the other cheek and whatever saying you want to go by, but when it comes down to it, would Tiger Woods really care about asking for your forgiveness if he wasn't already trying to sell you a product?

Let's End All The Hooplah.

You heard it here, the 12th of May. Brett Favre will play in 2009 and for the Vikings. This is just a whole song and dance to draw interest and avoid some offseason training. He knew this when he signed with the Jets. He wanted to go to the Vikings and worked out a backroom deal for them to release him if and when he retired. They would then no longer be obligated to give anything in return to the Packers if he ended up in the NFC North. Shocker!!!

So if there's anyone out there looking for a straight answer on Favre, take a Rip Van Winkle size nap until about the end of June - early July. Wake up, have an eggo, and then go online and get your Favre Vikings jersey and prepare for the Super Bowl run.

Al Franken, if you're reading, do the same. You won't be seated as Senator until around the same time.

John Madden Says He's Done

John Madden called it quits over the weekend retiring from broadcasting football games. All I have to say is... Finally! Thank God!

As a football freak and a long time lover of those who can communicate their knowledge and experience to others, I have to say I don't care who fills his shoes, bring back Dennis Miller or throw in Jillian Barbarie, hell put Elisabeth Hasselbeck in there. The only person I don't want in there is Bush. My reason isn't political by any means. Simply put, the only person I can equate Madden to is Bush. I have never seen anyone butcher a subject they should know everything about like the two of them.

There should be a book out there with Maddenisms. -Now ya see, he's runnin' this way real fast so they don't catch him, but they want to catch him cause he has the ball, and really it's about who's the fastest or can get in the way of the fastest guy, cause it's a game of inches and yards and people who are fast or can stop fastness. I made that up, but you get the point. And who does it sound like... Shame on me... Shame on... Can't get fooled again.

Whose idea was it to let them speak in front of large groups?

And the sickness of the media slobbering all over him [Madden] like he's done something great. He's won one Super Bowl and didn't know how to do anything else in life but talk about football... and not very well at that.

Yes, his video game is the one of the most popular out there, but come on let's be honest, did he invent the game or just sign a contract for the use of his image and likeness? Oh how hard that must be. What an immaculate human being.

I wish someone in the sports entertainment stream of the media would speak out and question the idea of his greatness. Or better yet, quit talking about him altogether.