No More Speidi!!!

The train wreck of human flesh and plastic that is Heidi Montag, has ditched husband, Spencer Pratt, as her manager.

Apparently, Spencer could only take her no-talent career so far and thus she has hired a new manager. You'd think she'd upgrade from Spencer, under the commonly held belief that he was as low as one could go.

Here's the kicker. She ditched him for... wait for it... a psychic.

This is how I imagine the conversation went.

Heidi: Spency, when's my career gonna take off?

Spencer: Uh, soon. Really soon.

Heidi: But I wanna know now. You're fired!!!

Spencer: That's cool. I'm King Spencer, I don't care.

Heidi punches in a number on her cell phone and waits.

Psychic: Heidi, I knew you'd be calling.

Heidi: Right, anyway, I wanna make you my manager, so you can tell me when my career will take off.

Psychic: Sounds like a sweet gig, but I can tell you right now. I'm getting a vision. Ah, yes, it will never take off. You have no talent.

Heidi: Maybe another music video?

Psychic: No. Please don't.

Heidi: More plastic surgery?

Psychic: Heidi, the biggest givers in life, have the biggest careers. Donate all of your money to my foundation for "The future psychics of America who don't yet know they'll be psychics when they grow up" and you'll be a star.

She hangs up.

Heidi: Spencer! I'm gonna run to the bank real quick. Okay?

Spencer: Whatever, skank.

Annnnnddddddd..... SCENE.

In all fairness to her, she is taking the initiative.

Is He Still Relevant?

Hulk Hogan is on video saying he wants to knock some sense out of Brad Pitt for leaving Jennifer Aniston. He goes on to say Brad is great, he's doing great things, yada yada yada, but he did what he did, and should get some sense knocked into him.

Hey Hulk, Brad and Jen split about five years ago. We've all moved on.

You're not in the ring calling out Ric Flair to duke it out over who has suffered the most peroxide damage.

Brad isn't going to drop everything, put on some spandex diaper, and jump into the ring. And if he did, you'd be toast. He's a method actor. Watch Fight Club. And then when you're done, become a method father, and take your son back to Driver's Ed.

Red Carpet Letdown

I'll start by saying that the one major improvement was the Martin and Baldwin combo as hosts. Yeah, it wasn't Chris Rock or Jon Stewart, but it was entertaining. With that being said...

Why did they mess around with everything else?

They cut the live performances of Best Song Nominees and after they had already announced the winner, then combined them all into one deal. Half the songs you haven't heard before. Let's hear them before someone is declared a winner. If you want people to watch, make it fun for them.

I know the little people don't matter at the Oscars. That it's all about the actual actors, but this new format of cutting things short so former winners can come out and yap about how great the nominees are is... boring, fake, and awkward.

They let Colin Farrell come out and talk about Jeremy Renner for like five minutes. It was gross and hard to watch. He tried to wrap things up by saying "yeah... and... good luck... man..." or something like that, while his face said "you have no chance to win, enjoy the after party."

Just show the clips.

And Tom Hanks, Mr. Two Time Winner, slow down. He ran out on stage, read the nominees for "Best Picture", no pause, no clips, apparently no time left in the show, and said "the winner is" and it's over. They spend forever and a day on the actors and when it comes to "Best Picture", the award they wait until the end of the show to give out - they rush it. Tom, everyone in the audience has extra Xanax in their pocket. Take one.

The biggest disappointment of the night was the "In Memoriam" montage.

They left two people out (that we know of so far). They left out Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur. A former Charlie's Angel and a Golden Girl. That is embarrassing. They let Cameron Diaz hand out an award (and have a speaking line), but a movie she was in, based off a TV show made famous by Farrah Fawcett... Isn't there someone on staff still playing hybrid forms of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

And now there's a huge push to get Betty White, another Golden Girl, to host SNL. Wouldn't someone find the link. Don't they have people hired to do this? Isn't there a list somewhere of those in the Hollywood Family who've past on? Or would it have run too long for James Taylor's song performance?

Maybe they should have spent more time double checking that, instead of creating the "Horror Movie Tribute."

It will never be a perfect system, but they reformatted the show for a ratings boost. The complaint is that it's too long.

No one ever complains the Super Bowl is too long. Make the show more interesting. Don't cut the good parts... the real parts... to substitute in lame crap that some intern thought was a rad idea.

And next year, if you want buzz leading up to the show to gain viewers, stick to your gut and hire the host you really wanted.

Soda Pop Mafia

Coca-Cola and their team of PR monkeys are working hard to keep some secrets... secret.

They've always been ahead of the curve when it came to their marketing and advertising.

You remember Al Gore's, An Inconvenient Truth? He made the drowning polar bear famous.

Nope.

Coca-Cola used that same exact cartoon polar bear to push a beach ball with its nose and share one of their soft drinks with a young cub. Al Gore stole that idea... most likely while he was drinking... say it with me... a Coke.

American Idol's own, Paula Abdul, started off with Coke commercials. Then moved to American Idol and had to keep Coke right where everyone could see it.

And of course, there's Hollywood's favorite drug of choice, cocaine. When Coca-Cola was first made, COCAINE was an ingredient. No wonder it caught on.

Now they are being hit with charges of MURDER, RAPE, and TORTURE. Somehow I don't think the new commercial will be... Murder, Rape, and Torture... Always Coca-Cola.

This isn't the first time allegations like this have been made against them, but somehow I think they'll be alright.

• Paula Abdul has been drugged up and stuck carrying around their products with her ever since she did her first commercial.
• The polar bear must have tried to break ties and Coke decided to accelerate global warming to phase them out.
  
• Al Gore was elected President of the United States... w/o getting to be President of the United States.
• And people who use cocaine when it's not in Coca-Cola... well, they have trouble doing sexy times.

So am I a little worried when writing this... maybe a little. But if my head ends up floating in the Mississippi, my bones found in a pig pen, and my thumbs pop out of someone's Pepsi can... assume that someone from The Coca-Cola Life Sabotaging Squad has done away with me.

Oh, and make sure my Mom gets all of my My Coke Rewards Points... they shouldn't go to waste. Then she can get the duffel bag that she always wanted.

Mass Debate With Stormy Daniels

For those of you unfamiliar with her work, Stormy Daniels is a highly talented thespian for the adult entertainment company, Wicked Pictures. She also had a small role in the 40-Year-Old Virgin.

She's going to announce whether or not she will run against incumbent Senator David Vitter in Louisiana and if she does run, has a reasonable chance to win.

If Schwarzenegger and Palin can be governors, Stormy Daniels could be a Senator.

Somehow, unlike Vitter, she doesn't have an Elliot Spitzer-like sex scandal attached to her, unless you count her career. (He paid to have sex. She got paid to have sex. There might be a difference, somehow.)

She's running Republican in a traditionally red state, which encompasses the Mardi Gras mecca of the world and she already has name recognition. All she has to do at rallies is throw some beads, flash her junk, and wear a Drew Brees jersey and she's in.

Honestly, it couldn't get any worse in Washington and it might lighten up the Republican Party. It will make Faux News' collective head spin, but I'm sure the Republican Party will vet her much more than they did with Sarah Palin.

If Sarah Palin made men sit up more attentively and pay attention when she spoke, imagine what a tall, blonde, former professional sex worker with jugs the size of levies and a perky attitude will do to those pee-paws watching the evening news.

I do believe her audience will be growing.