Another One!!!

In case you haven't heard, this is Lauren Ashley, another one of the beauty queens of California that has shot her mouth off with righteous Biblical passages.

She actually has outdone Carrie Prejean's homophobic tirade in the media with her own quote.

It went something like -- the Bible is black and white about homosexuality, Leviticus said this, and gays will be killed by God.

She goes on to say that she has gay friends and that we're all kind of cool with all of it.

So does she worry that her gay friends are going to be slain by the wrath of God?

Now, I will be the first to tell you that I wasn't a Sunday School Scholar like what's her face from the picture. (I went just to get away from my parents and I'm sure the feeling was mutual.) But isn't there something in the Bible about killing your first born son and those who have premarital relations shall be stoned. Something along those lines.

Why do the Bible Thumping Pageant Queens only know the passages that don't really apply to them?

Take Ms. Prejean for example. She seems like a smart young lady. (cough, cough, vomit) Somewhere in the good book it says something about not desecrating one's body, and well, when they wrote the thing, they didn't envision how silicone would be used in the twenty-first century, but Carrie, that applies to you. And now that it's reported you're living with your hottie-hot, can't play football, quarterback of a boyfriend and he hasn't yet put a ring on it, um, what is God's punishment for you. Or better yet, what does the Bible say about sex tapes where you double click your mouse the entire time? (that was actually a quote from Showgirls. High Five!)

So to all the other thumpers out there that want to act above everyone else, try not to be the textbook definition of hypocrisy at the exact same time. Wait a little bit. Until you're super-duper famous, Jesus hasn't returned, the rapture hasn't happened, and then give it all up to get new silicone funbags, an awesome tramp stamp in unknown Chinese lettering, and then twiddle your diddle for all your fans on your new iphone with video.

But what's going to happen if Elton John is right and Jesus is gay?
How will he go back in time and kill himself for being gay?
Or will he change what he said and rewrite it and cut the parts Leviticus wrote?

I have no idea, but I'd guess it would happen sometime around Easter.

The Worldwide Leader in Stupidity

I don’t want to give too much credit where it isn’t due, but at one point, ESPN was not a complete laughing stock. Now it’s a strange breed of testosterone and stupidity.

Notable Dismissals:

Harold Reynolds for sexual harassment.

Steve Phillips for having an affair with a co-worker and later entered the same rehab clinic as Tiger Woods.

Sean Salisbury never had enough time to come up with anything insightful to say about football, but did have enough time to take a picture of ding-dong with his phone and show it off at the water cooler.

They hire ‘em smart and classy.

Tony Kornheiser was recently suspended for inappropriately commenting on a co-worker’s outfit. Her outfit! You don’t cover the Oscars and you’re not on E!

This morning they did a terrific story on National Pancake Day asking a player from the Vikings about his favorite kind of pancake. Somehow, I ended up changing the channel.

(DIY network was showing you how to hammer a nail right through your thumb)

They should change their slogan to:

ESPN

We can’t cover sports.

We can’t cover our own tracks.

And we can’t cover our dongs.

How much of my own vomit do I have to swallow before you tell me the results of your poll on which country’s Olympic outfits are the cutest?

I wish I could just get the answer from Kornheiser.

What Do You Think He's Gonna Say?

Tiger Woods is coming out of his nearly three month long sexual hibernation debacle to pull his tail out from betwixt his legs and break his silence.

Here are some thoughts on what he might say.

• Honestly, I just thought I was social networking.
• I guess I should have known something was wrong when all those women were offering to give me stokes.
  
• Being endorsed by Nike... I just did it - a lot!
• Due to the loss of some of my sponsorships, I won't be playing the same ball this year. The new balls I'll be playing with will be blue.
  
• At least ask my wife a question. I'm paying her an awful lot to be here.
  

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.

By now everyone and their brother knows more than they probably intended to on the never-ending Tiger Woods saga. You simply can't escape it.

The latest push has been that we need to forgive him and give him his privacy. This makes my head hurt. First off, I haven't heard anyone demand that Elin and the kids forgive him. They have the right to be mad at him... and so do his fans. For years, he's trotted around the world collecting green jackets, trophies, and massive paychecks. He did all of this while pretending to be holier than holy so that we would feel more comfortable with him and buy the products he endorsed. He made money off of an image that was false. He looked like the family man and America and the rest of the world ate it up.

Now, I know you're going to say what he's going through is a private matter, and it is, but there are a different set of rules when you are a public figure. No one is creeping in his house late at night and stealing items and selling them on ebay. Everything is free information that is damning him. The one thing he, and his agent and marketing team will never understand, is the monster they have created. They made him a billion dollar icon. They put his face everywhere. They got us addicted to him. And now they are saying... well just keep being addicted to the products and the good things about him. Sorry. It doesn't work like that. We are America and the one thing we are addicted to is conflict. It is the center of entertainment. We don't watch TV shows where everyone likes each other. We like fighting and resolution and chaos and competition. That's why sports teams play each other. That's why they don't just hand Tiger the trophy every week. He has to go out and face competition and conflict and come away above the rest. He has to take the good with the bad.

One of the large problems with this country and a money driven society is that just like the banks, we have made him, "Too Big To Fail" and right now he's failing. He and his marketing team went above and beyond to make America place Tiger Woods on a pedestal and they succeeded. They have to live with this mess they've created. Yes companies are going to drop him. And they should. He's a liability to their profit. They can't whine and moan and say "but he's Tiger Woods." Now, he's just like everyone else. Tiger has always dominated the competition when he was playing with a lead. He doesn't fair as well when playing from behind. They have to face that.

When Tiger released his statement from the car accident, he said that Elin was heroic and the media was "irresponsible." He lied about Elin and as usual deflected the blame.

I'm not saying we can't forgive Tiger. I'm not saying he's an awful person. We need to look at this situation as a whole. Tiger created an image to sell products. That image turned out to be contradictory. The media's job is to inform the public. Tiger sold products. Media sells news. Tiger made news. Calls media irresponsible.

We aren't going to forgive, unless Tiger can forgive Tiger. He has to come to grips with what he's done and address it to those he asks for forgiveness.

The one question that still irks me is that... we can forgive and we can turn the other cheek and whatever saying you want to go by, but when it comes down to it, would Tiger Woods really care about asking for your forgiveness if he wasn't already trying to sell you a product?

Let's End All The Hooplah.

You heard it here, the 12th of May. Brett Favre will play in 2009 and for the Vikings. This is just a whole song and dance to draw interest and avoid some offseason training. He knew this when he signed with the Jets. He wanted to go to the Vikings and worked out a backroom deal for them to release him if and when he retired. They would then no longer be obligated to give anything in return to the Packers if he ended up in the NFC North. Shocker!!!

So if there's anyone out there looking for a straight answer on Favre, take a Rip Van Winkle size nap until about the end of June - early July. Wake up, have an eggo, and then go online and get your Favre Vikings jersey and prepare for the Super Bowl run.

Al Franken, if you're reading, do the same. You won't be seated as Senator until around the same time.